Thursday, September 4, 2014

Blest Be the Sides that Blind

Everyone gets blindsided at some point in their life.  But sometimes it feels like I've made a career out of it.
I will not bore you with the list of blindsideries I've endured. You're welcome.  But, I would like to address the PTSDness of getting blindsided repeatedly. 
You would think that after the 2,309,583rd time of getting emotionally sucker-punched,I would have developed a kevlar-like attitude about it.  Just mumble a couple "fucking assholes" quietly to myself and carry on.  But my psyche is kevlar resistant, evidently, and instead each time I get BS'd, I soak it up like like a giant sponge and then squeeze that sponge and the pain from every other fish-slap-in-the-face moment surges forth.  Well, I don't care for that sentence at all, but let's pretend it makes sense and move on.
My latest episode of blindsiditude occurred yesterday at work, so you know it really wasn't a big deal.  More importantly, I know it wasn't  a big deal. Even as it was happening, I said to myself, "Self. This. Is. Not. A. Big. Deal."   And yet...after my reprimand, for the rest of the day I felt like a crushed turd dipped in garbage and thrown on the coals .  This is not a pleasant feeling.
My next step is to feel Outraged.  "Hey!", I yell at the Universe (aka my cats), "I'm 20 billion years old!  Can't I live out the few years I have left in relative calm??  I'm not asking for happiness, goddammit, I would just like a little peace!  Is that so much to ask??"
The answer, of course, is yes, it's way too much to ask.   Doesn't matter how old you are, the Universe is going to fuck with you until you're dead.  And maybe afterwards.  I'll get back to you on that one.
My final step is Acceptance.  The ole' "It's been a long time since someone made me feel like shit, I guess I'm due" phase.  It's sadly comforting.  The Circle of Life.
Oh, well, at least I might get a break before I get my ass ripped again.  But, next time, I'll be ready.  I'll let it bounce right off me and...yeah....Lather. Rinse. Repeat.