After months of unsuccessfully looking for a new job, I now feel qualified to get a job writing job descriptions:
EXECUTIVE ADMINISTRATIVE CUSTOMER CARE TECHNICIAN
Must have 20+ years experience in the executive administrative customer care technician industry. Must be proficient in Microsoft Outlook, Word, Excel, Powerpoint, brain surgery, electrical engineering, souffles and Mandarin. Experience with Yetis preferred, but not required. Must be able to lift 40 pounds, for no reason other than we want to watch you lift 40 pounds. We offer a competitive package, which does not include any money, but likes to start fights. We offer 401k, paid time off, life insurance, Lucky Charms and a ham at Christmas, but only after your first ten years of employment.
Perhaps even more delusional and comical than the ads are "Employment Agencies". I put that in quotes because I don't think that phrase means what they think that phrase means. I am currently signed up with four different agencies and not a one has yet to send me out on an interview. (I would prefer to think of this as a deficiency on their part, rather than a reflection of my mediocre resume, disappointing skill set and decrepit age.) They ask you such irrelevent questions as:
EA: What is your dream job?
ME: Working in a harem by day, in a rep theatre by night. I like to keep busy.
EA: What is the most money you'll take as salary?
ME: I won't accept a penny over $3,405,984 a year.
EA: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
ME: In a nursing home. Who the fuck sees themselves anywhere in 20 years?? Most of us are just grateful we still see ourselves in the mirror every morning. (Though some mornings, not so much.)
EA: We'll be in touch.
ME: Yeah, whatever.
I actually had a lady from an agency call me today and tell me I shouldn't have answered the ad they posted, because they are only a temp agency. Well, if the ad had said it was a temp job, I wouldn't have applied to it and it would have saved her making that phone call, which neither of us particularly enjoyed. Communication makes it happen, people!
But I am serious about that harem thing, because I look good in veils.