Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Nice work if you can get it

After months of unsuccessfully looking for a new job, I now feel qualified to get a job writing job descriptions:

Must have 20+ years experience in the executive administrative customer care technician industry.  Must be proficient in Microsoft Outlook, Word, Excel, Powerpoint, brain surgery, electrical engineering, souffles and Mandarin.  Experience with Yetis preferred, but not required.  Must be able to lift 40 pounds, for no reason other than we want to watch you lift 40 pounds.  We offer a competitive package, which does not include any money, but likes to start fights.   We offer 401k, paid time off, life insurance, Lucky Charms and a ham at Christmas, but only after your first ten years of employment. 

Perhaps even more delusional and comical than the ads are "Employment Agencies".  I put that in quotes because I don't think that phrase means what they think that phrase means.  I am currently signed up with four different agencies and not a one has yet to send me out on an interview. (I would prefer to think of this as a deficiency on their part, rather than a reflection of my mediocre resume, disappointing skill set and decrepit age.) They ask you such irrelevent questions as:

EA:  What is your dream job?
ME:  Working in a harem by day, in a rep theatre by night. I like to keep busy.

EA:  What is the most money you'll take as salary?
ME:  I won't accept a penny over $3,405,984 a year.

EA:  Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
ME:  In a nursing home.  Who the fuck sees themselves anywhere in 20 years??  Most of us are   just grateful we still see ourselves in the mirror every morning.  (Though some mornings, not so much.)

EA:  We'll be in touch.
ME:  Yeah, whatever.

I actually had a lady from an agency call me today and tell me I shouldn't have answered the ad they posted, because they are only a temp agency.  Well, if the ad had said it was a temp job, I wouldn't have applied to it and it would have saved her making that phone call, which neither of us particularly enjoyed.  Communication makes it happen, people!

But I am serious about that harem thing, because I look good in veils. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What, me worry?

Yes.  A lot.  Some days more than others.  Guess if this is one of those days. . . . Congratulations, and thanks for playing.

I am proud to say I am an Equal Opportunity Worrier.  I worry about the future.  I worry about the past.  I worry about the present.  I worry if I'm not worrying.  If I'm not worrying, I worry about what I'll worry about next.  If I'm not worrying, I worry about WHY I'm not worrying, etc., etc.  I even worried that I had blogged about worry before.  (So I checked and I hadn't.)  (But what if I just didn't notice it??? ooohhh. . . . . )

I know worrying never makes me feel any better.  Nor does it ever solve an issue I am worrying about.  And I honestly do make an attempt to talk myself out of it.  Some days that works better than others.  Guess if this one of those days. . . .Congratulations, you're two for two.

Some days I think my brain barrels into Worrytown just because it can't think of anything else to do.  Maybe if I start doing random mathematical equations in my head. . . .hahahahaha!!! (I thought I'd throw in a little humor.  You're welcome.)

Like many other of my lesser loved attributes (my extreme shortitude, the curly hair), I have embraced my propensity for worry and accepted it for what it is.  It's part of who I am and I have learned to not take it too seriously. 

Now, if I could just figure out how to parlay it into a career.

"World Wide Worrying.  Tired of endless worries?  Let me take them over for you!  As a Certified Worryologist (member of W.U.S.S., Worrier's United Secret Society),  I can absorb your worries and allow you to get on with productive thinking; giving you the peace of mind that your worries are being tenderly and lovingly nutured in a completely Organic Paranoid Environment, free of pesticides and chemicals {okay, I do actually use chemicals, but I ain't advertising that!}.  Call today for your free quote!  (Wait, let me make sure my phone is charged. . . yeah, okay, you can call now.  Please????)"

All I need is a jingle.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I'm Forgettable

I went to an employment agency today.  It's the second time in two months I've been there.  Seems they lost all record of me being there the first time; the guy interviewing me muttered something about "changing systems".  Yeah, well, whatever.  I'm not taking those damn tests over again, dude, you better find those scores from March.

This doesn't really surprise me.  I'm the kind of person who tends to fall between the cracks.  When I was a kid, there were a couple years in grade school where my teacher never remembered my name.
                                                LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

Me:      Bye, Miss McClellan.
MM:     Bye, er. . . .Betty.
Me:      Yeah, well, whatever.

I have people who I did shows with in the last 5-6 years ask me if we've ever been in a show together.  Yes, I played Aaron in Titus Andronicus and the covertible in Thelma and Louise. 

A few years ago, when I was in the torrential downplay improv troupe, J'Mel and I were at Rojo and some guy came up to J'Mel and told him how much he loved td.  J'mel pointed to me and said, "You know she's in the troupe, too."  The guy looked at me confusedly and said, "Oh, yeah.  Hi, er. . . Betty."  It's nice to know I make an impression on stage. 

Hey, wait.  Maybe my name really is Betty and I'm the one who doesn't remember me.  Ow.  My head hurts now.  Let's forget that theory.

I should really use this attribute to my advantage, work for the CIA or something.  Except that when I want to be invisible, I usually end up falling down (loudly), effectively blowing my cover.  Sometimes I just fall down for the hell of it, to keep up my skills.

Anyroad, I was very gracious about the employment agency forgetting about me, cause I'm not one for burning bridges.  But I do think the least they could do is find me a job.  That pays a lot of money.  And that I'd do well.  And I'd like.  And where they would remember who I was from day to day.  And they would also give me free unicorns and rainbows, because who am I kidding???  Those things don't exist! 

Anymore than I do, evidently.  Oh, well, whatever.


Friday, May 4, 2012

Parenthood (part four, I think)

Remember what a shock it was when you first had kids?  Okay, I probably shouldn't write for you, so I'll just say this for me. I was overwhelmed at first.  I mean, I had been pregnant for nine months and I knew I eventually wouldn't be pregnant anymore and a baby would be here, but I didn't realize how drastically it would change my life.  F  O  R  E  V  E  R.

I had changed careers, had people I love drop dead on me, gotten married, discovered the Beatles:  all these things changed me forever in a small way, but not like having kids did.  I felt like I became a completely different person when I became a mom, like suddenly my life seemed to matter more.

Now, I realize that maybe one of the reasons I felt that way is because of all the low self-esteem baggage I've carried around all my life.  (Although, I am happy to report that instead of lugging around 3 steamer trunks, 2 suitcases and a make-up bag, I'm now just sporting a backpack.)  But there is something about holding new life that you created and staring into those little blue eyes that just does a number on your heart and it never beats the same way again.  

Reading over this, it seems rather simplistic; like next I'll write about how air is nifty to breathe; but next week is Mother's Day, and, coincidentally, my first-born's birthday, so it's been on my mind, and you know I tend to spew forth whatever is on my mind, so there we are. 

Just be grateful I didn't blog during my Macarena Obsession.  And Happy Mother's Day.