Holidaze

Well, it's That Time of Year again. 

I don't actually know what that means.  It's ALWAYS that time of year again, whatever that time was last year and the year before that, etc., etc.  That's life (that's what all the people say). 

But what I think I mean (and today is one of those days where I'm not sure I know what I think I mean) is that the holidays make me schizophrenic.  (Okay, say it: More schizo than I normally am?  Thank you and fuck you.) 

On one hand, I love Christmas, because it's the only time of the year (barring emergency apartment moves) that both my kids are in town at the same time and we always have a blast.  On the other hand, I hate New Year's Eve, for a variety of reasons, even though the last few years I've always done a show on NYE and that made it easier to get through.  (Is there anything doing a show won't make it easier to get through?  Did that last sentence make any sense?  I told you it was one of those days.) 

Then there is the overall atmosphere of the season wherein everybody feels compelled to make everything more important because of the time of year.  Like using "wherein" in that last sentence--I'd never do that in mid-June.  But this time of year it seems like everything carries more weight (especially my tummy and my credit cards) and it makes me feel discombobulated.  (Again, I would never use the word  "discombobulated" in February, even if I were.)  It's the damn holidays. 

I think I expect too much of myself this time of year.  Although, to be honest, I expect too much of myself on a daily basis.  I always expect me to be Everything to Everyone and when I'm not, I feel like I'm a failure.  There is a reason why I'm in therapy.    But this time of year it seems exaggerated.  I feel like I'm expected to be Jolly and Full of Christmas Cheer from Nov. 1 to Jan. 2 and I haven't been full of cheer since my last pregnancy.  I blame The Media (why not?).  Every sad thing on the news seems sadder because it's Christmastime.  Every happy thing on the news is a goddamned Miracle, because it's Christmastime.  The only true Christmas Miracle is the Charlie Brown Christmas Special--if Linus' speech doesn't make you tear up you are not human. 

I'll get through The Holidays, I always do.  There will be the best of times, there will be the worst of times and throughout the whole endless barrage of Christmas music (I HATE Christmas music, except for "Christmastime is Here" from the aforementioned CBCS) I will smile and wave and be Everything to Everyone. 

And wake up Jan. 2 Full of Failure.  It will be That Time of Year.