Thursday, February 14, 2013

Older White Lady Problems

One of the joys of living alone is that you can do what you want, when you want.

One of the disadvantages of living alone is that there is no one to share the shit.  So, one learns to become creative. 

The main problem I have (other than all my appliances/electronic devices constantly dying) is the Removing of the Garbage from my apartment.  The dumpster behind my apartment is on a mound of concrete and therefore about 3 feet taller than I am, (yes, thus making it 4 feet tall, ha  ha).  So I have to throw bags of garbage over my head to get it dumpsterfied.  Below are listed some elements that make this difficult (other than the fact that I am one foot tall):

1.  I have two cats.  I am (surprisingly) fairly diligent in cleaning out the cat pan.  Used cat litter is the heaviest substance on earth known to man. 
2.  I am lazy.  I hate taking out the garbage and am extremely creative in thinking up excuses not to do it.  I am willing to sell this list for a small fee.  You will be amazed (and horrified).
3.  My refrigerator died on Sunday and, due to the laziness factor mentioned above, I hadn't cleaned it out..well, I've lived there three years, so you do the math. 

SO, I am now left with the solution set of having multiple bags of yucky refrigerator food, plus multiple bags of regular + cat litter garbage and my kitchen has developed a "distinked" odor.  BUT, since I am physically unable to lift these odiferous garbage bags over my head, I am forced to put on my Thomas Edison cap, (not the I'm An Asshole Thomas Edison Cap, the I'm A Great Inventor Thomas Edison Cap) and come up with a solution.


1.  First, wear shoes that lessen the possibility I will fall during this process.  No guarantee, but still.
2.  Take my kitchen stepstool out to the dumpster.
3.  Carry all 9 bags of garbage out to dumpster, climb stool and dispose of garbage.
4.  Drink many beers to congratulate myself.

Now, I realize that in The Grand Scheme of Things this is a mite on the back of a flea,  but for someone whose creativity usually consists of making bad puns (see "distinked", above), this is a major breakthrough for me. 

Next up, figure out a way to illuminate a room other than with gas lamps or candles.

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