Wednesday, March 13, 2013

All the Olds That's Fit to Print

In much the same way that a child will longingly watch teenagers, to see what lies ahead, I sometimes observe Eldsters, to see what I have to look forward to, unless I'm lucky enough to drop dead first. 

Evidently, the hot new trend in walkers is this thing with three wheels that appears to have handbrakes.  I don't understand why a walker would need handbrakes.  (Or handbreaks, for that matter.  Most Oldies are pretty adept at breaking their hands on their own.)  But, yet, I have noticed many an Overthehillian merrily careening down the sidewalk at the breathtaking rate of 2 miles/month, hands tensed near the handbrakes, just in case their feet forget how to stop themselves.  But at least a handbrake-equipped walker is less embarrassing than::


If, Universe forbid, I ever get so debilitated that I require a Hoveround, please do the humane thing and put a bullet in my head.  I would be Demonic on a Hoveround.  I would get it pimped out with hydraulics and a horn that played Play That Funky Music White Boy, leopard seat covers, and heavy bass speakers that you can hear 3 counties away.  And I'd run over everyone in my path.  Hey, I'm old and I can't walk, what do I care? Move, motherfuckers, I'm crippled!  Either that or I'd just get drunk and keep driving the thing in circles till I pass out. 

At least it gives me something to look forward to.

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