Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Popping my Cherry

So here's the thing about being a grown-up--I'm not very good at it.  I've got the whole responsibility thing down; I go to work, I pay my bills,  I floss my teeth, I hide my porn. . . .but I always imagined that by the time I reached this age (137) I would have it "all together" and that all the anxieties and insecurities I felt when I was young would be ancient history.  Instead, I'm the only one who's ancient and my anxieties and insecurities are entering marathons.  And winning. (No, not the Charlie Sheen winning, that's like George Bush's  "Mission Accomplished".  I mean actually winning.)

Take the Case of The Bad Boyfriend.  After I got divorced, I took a year to  sort through my life and regroup.  Very mature.  At the end of this year, knowing that I was a different, self-confident, capable person (and in this case, knowing is  like Charlie Sheen's winning), I jumped into a six-year incredibly destructive relationship.  Which I could have gotten out of at any time, but I didn't because I was still the idiot I had always been.  Clearly, sorting and regrouping don't mean what I think they mean.

I think being a grown-up is difficult for me because I am not a fan of Actual Reality.  And by that I mean what is really happening in the world as opposed to what is happening in Deb Reality.  In DR, everything always works out in the end; people love each other, they respect each other, they are happy to do things for each other, the sky is filled with rainbows, my hair is straight and Meredith Viara leaves the Today Show.  Who wouldn't want to live in Deb Reality?  Right?  But, sadly DR has a  population of 1.  My relationships (when they rarely occur) don't work out, the sky has a polluted haze, my hair looks more like Frederick Douglass' hair than Frederick Douglass' hair and MV ain't going nowhere. 

So perhaps I will try living in Actual Reality  with the rest of you.  But I would ask that you be gentle, this is my first time.


  1. http://www.tvguide.com/News/Meredith-Vieira-Today-1031490.aspx

    Ask and you shall receive

  2. Deb, I feel ya. I have fond memories of one day we both walked into BFT to rehearse a show together, and we talked about how we'd hurried past the homeless guys in the yard, even though they seemed friendly, because we were afraid homelessness was catching. Even though things are going pretty well for me now (aside from being too sick to sleep, which explains why I'm up posting this) I still feel like all the world's misfortunes are waiting to infect us.