Monday, August 1, 2011

Xanadu, but without Olivia Newton John

I don't know about y'all, but I'm pretty sick of the world at large. From baby-killing mamas who aren't convicted, to those pompous jerk-offs in politics who could care less about actually doing what they were elected to do, to my stupidass printer that won't print more than one envelope at a time, I'm through.  I have my kids, the theatre community, friends, and beer and I'm barricading myself in the compound till unicorns jump over rainbows and Mad Men starts up again.

One of my favorite daydreams (that I can publish in public without being charged with indecency by the FCC) is What Little Debbie Would Do if She Were Queen of the Universe.  Man, you guys would love it so much!  First of all, all those things everyone loves but that are bad for you would now be good for you.  And shit like broccoli and income taxes would be bad for you.  Well, I guess income taxes are bad for you now, but I mean REALLY bad, like give you herpes or something.  And pets would be more fun to have, because they would take care of themselves.  In fact, they would even take care of YOU, cleaning house and fixing you breakfast in bed and doing beer runs.  "Thanks, Muffy, a carton of Kools and a six-pack of Modelo would be great!  Just what the doctor ordered!"

Much like the 24th century in Star Trek, money would be obsolete; we'd all just use replicators, which you would automatically get when you're born, like a Social Security Number or a circumcision.  You could do anything you want for a living, as long as you did it well, and it didn't hurt anyone.  Sex, race, and gender bias would be nonexistent and if you were in a relationship, love would be practically painless.  (You have to have a little conflict, to make things interesting, and for make-up sex.) 

Football would be popular, but just as popular would be all the arts.  Plays would sell out faster than bowl games and actors would be banned from becoming politicians because that would debase the craft of acting.  In fact, politicans would be criminals, and sentenced to listen to endless hours of C-Span and Neil Young records and religious zealots who tried to stuff their ideals down everyone's throats would have to work as bartenders in gay bars.  (Not because that's a bad profession, you understand, but because the RZs would hate it.  Unless they wouldn't.  Then they'd have to become politicians.)

Whew!  Creating a universe is tiring!  No wonder God's in semi-retirement.  I'll take a break.  But I'll be back.  I haven't even begun to dismantle the educational system and reality television.  I'll just go play a couple games of skee ball.

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