O, Muse, Where Art Thou?

I spend a fair amount of time thinking about creativity (instead of actually being creative, that's too much work).  I am a creative person and I use my creativity for no useful purpose, other than entertaining myself and (hopefully) other people. Not that entertainment is always useless; it just is in my case because I don't see that I'll ever make a "career" out of being creative or actually make any "money" out of being creative or actually "create" anything worthwhile out of being creative.  But shits and giggles have their rightful places in life and in the case of my life, that's all I have; that and the "occasional" beer and/or tequila shot.

But I get frustrated by my creativity because it's unpredictable, and invariably doesn't kick in when I want it to.  This is most apparent when I'm doing improv, but I've gotten used to that.  If I get through a show or rehearsal and can remember one thing I've done that was fairly funny, I've learned to be satisfied with that.  Improv is truly a group effort and it's more about supporting your fellow players than it is about one individual being funny.  (But I do find it frustrating when after a show there's always one player (different every time) who seemed to shine and it's never me.)  But that's not the lack of creativity that bothers me.

It's when I am depressed and I feel that I could use a creative outlet to lighten my blues and I can never seem to summon it: that's what bothers me.  Like  many creative types, I am a sullen person.  It sucks and it would be nice to de-sullen-ize by writing something fun to read or  come up with a great idea for a play or paint the Mona Lisa or invent a Ponzi Scheme--anything to take my mind off my mind.  But that's when my creativity evidently takes a shuttlecraft to Reisa and totally abandons me, leaving me to Wallow.  Not a fan of the Wallowing.

I suppose if you could just turn creativity on and off it wouldn't be creative anymore.   But it would be nice if some creative scientist could invent a way to put it in a tequila shot.