Thursday, September 15, 2011

Advice Call 'Em

I am big on giving advice:

Don't feel bad if you don't get the part;
Don't try to control the universe (Thanks, Michael);
Listen more than you speak;
There are worse things than being alone;
Don't get so stressed out;

None of which I actually follow.  They often all happen at once. Because when I'm stressed out that I didn't get the part, which is not how I had planned it and I realize I said too much and then have to go home alone and think about it, *gasp* I stop breathing.  I'm working on this, (the breathing part, I mean) because I think I read somewhere that breathing is important (Highlights Magazine?  The Economist?  one of those).  So if any of you notice me getting blue in the face and I'm not currently attending an audition for Blue Man Group or the Smurfs Movie, please remind me of my respiratory duties. 

I'm working on the other things too, and some days do better than others at one or more of them.  I'm great at the first one when I'm not auditioning for anything, but I think that's cheating (that one definitely came from Highlights Magazine, Goofus and Gallant #249).

 I am a talker.  But I am making a more concentrated effort at actually thinking before I open my mouth (this idea must be from some avant garde, New Age rag like Mother Jones, or something), again, with varying rates of success.  Sometimes words that come out of my mouth are kind of funny, which saves my ass, but not all the time.  And we won't even talk about my Maudlin Moments--they're not pretty.

I'm actually okay with the being alone.  The only time it's at all dicey is on holidays and to assuage this, I have developed the Rocky Balboa Philosophy- "Hey, to you it's Tanksgivin, to me it's Tursday."

The stress?  I'm Irish Catholic--stress is The Very Life Essence to us.  That and beer.

No, the one I have the most trouble with is Controlling the Universe.  I am ALWAYS so SURE that I know EXACTLY what is going to happen because that's what I say is going to happen and then nothing even remotely like that happens at all. This is because I was trying tell the Universe what should unfold, but The Universe (Wise Woman that She is) just sighed, gazed at me over the top of her reading glasses and said, patiently, "You go read your Highlights Magazine, we have this covered."   This has only happened to me approximately 2,436,935 times.  In the last month.  So I'm hopeful I'll eventually get the point.  I'm also hopeful I'll win the Publishers Clearing House lottery and wake up tomorrow with straight hair.

Perhaps I should add, "Don't get your hopes up" to my list of advice. 

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