Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I Don't Wanna

As an adult, you have to do a lot of stuff you don't want to do.  Actually, as a kid, you have to do even more stuff you don't want to do, but grown-ups come hard-wired with the ability  to brainwash kids into thinking crappy stuff is fun.  ("Ooooo. . . tetanus shot--that's so cool, I wish I could get one!")  This explains why there are so many adults in therapy.

Anyroad, I'm talking about grown-ups here (I almost typed "us grown-ups" and then realized 80% of the time I don't fall into that category) and we have to do a helluva lot of shit we don't want to.  This explains why there are so many adults in bars.  We drink to get through the stuff we don't want to do and then we drink as a reward for having actually done it. (DISCLAIMER:  Any resemblance here to my co-dependency on alcohol is strictly fictional and/or  for entertainment purposes only, like a horoscope or your STD test results.)

Well, as Empress of Debland (population: 1/2, the other part of me lives with the rest of you), I would like to abolish the idea of Doing Shit I Don't Want To Do.  And being a Red-Blooded American (as opposed to the other colored blood kind of American?) I realize the best way to do this is to create a Reality Show, where I convince idiots (i.e. 98% of the American population) to Do The Shit I Don't Want To Do by vaguely promising them some kind of monetary compensation.  This compensation, of course, will be taxed at the standard Debland rate of 120%, and said taxes will go to the Debbie Wants Better Beer Fund, something I think we can all agree is a worthy cause. 

The first challenge will be an easy one:  My Job.  I hadn't been in the office five minutes this morning when my boss informed me that I had fucked up three times.  Already.  Before 8:00 a.m.  So, Lucky Contestants, go for it!  You be the DoFI* at Dicks 'N Balls; you obviously couldn't be any worse at it than I am. 

Next challenge:  Get me a date.  Ha!!  Good luck, suckas!

*Director of First Impressions

1 comment:

  1. Wait, there are tetanus shots? Being given away? Just like that?! This is the best thing that's ever...wait a minute...sneaky, Debbie...you almost got me!