Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I've Fallen and I Can't, etc., etc.

You know that feeling  you get when you start to fall and everything switches to slow motion and the first thought you have is not, "I hope I don't get hurt", but "Oh, Lord, please don't let anyone see me!!!"? 

Yeah, well that's kind of how I view my life.  I seem to be continually hurtling through space (Query:  Is it possible to hurtle through anything other than time and/or space?  Discuss.) into one quagmire (the thing, not the character) from another and keep hoping no one will notice, but they always do.  So, I brush it off, ("Yeah, well, you know, it's Debbie.") and inwardly wince for a day and a half.  I think less of me every time this happens, so I fully expect my friends/loved ones to think less of me, as well.  But now I'm trying a new experimental procedure that will hopefully cure that feeling.

It's called Faith. 

I've always admired people who have it (with the exception of George Michael) but I have never been good at it.  (I want to point out here that I am not talking about religious/spiritual faith at this time.  That is a whole other can of worms so huge Ronco hasn't invented a can opener big enough to open it yet.)  No, I am speaking of faith in yourself/fellow man.  Due to a Series of Unfortunate(like) Events, I have a Self-Esteem Rating of -.03%.  This means I believe everyone else in the (i.e. my) universe to be almost God-like in their sense of self.  Which, with few exceptions, (BR, Alec Harvey) is not true.  So, I plan to start viewing myself and all my acquaintances on a level playing field, one in which we are all equally fucked-up.  (I'll work my way up to us all being okay.)  See?  Done--problem solved!

Except I don't know how to do that.  Tellling someone to "Have faith!"  is kind of like saying "Grow tall!"  it feels like an impossible task.  Yet, I know people do it. (Have faith, I mean, I've never seen anyone other than the Fantastic Four grow tall on command, and if you try to make a dirty joke out of that you are worse than I am and that's saying something.)

This is not to say that I am unhappy.  Far from it.  I get to act and do improv comedy, which feeds my soul,  I have the bestest friends ever in the whole universe, and the Two Most Amazing Children in the Whole Cosmos, so I am very lucky and loved, and I know that.   I just would rather not live with the nagging feeling that I'll wake up one day and they will have all left me cryptic notes telling me to fuck off.  Which I guess really isn't so cryptic, is it?

So if anyone out there (assuming there is anyone out there reading this, but I don't believe there is) knows the Secret Meeska, Mooska, Mousekateer Password for learning to believe in people and/or my ownself, pass it on.  But spare me the George Michael impersonation, please.

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